A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. “Doc,
you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”

“What’s the problem?” the doctor inquired.

“Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No
matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”

“My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on
your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the
bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun
person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction.
Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a
bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden
expression on his face.

“Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.

“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the
best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”

“So, what’s your problem?”

“I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.”

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By the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.

I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Navy man assured him. “I’ll take it.” The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. “How did you sleep?” asked the manager. “Never better.” The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring?” “Nope. I shut him up in no time,” said the Navy guy.

“How did you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the sailor explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, ‘Goodnight beautiful,’

…and he sat up all night watching me.”

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Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

George Burns

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DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don’t know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the U.S. government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he’s French, other times he’s Flemish.
The Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow’s milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

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1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just
finished cleaning.

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
You better pray that will come out of the carpet.

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the
middle of next week!

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
Because I said so, that’s why.

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not
going to the store with me.

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an
accident.

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
Shut your mouth and eat your supper.

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t
exaggerate!

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
Stop acting like your father!

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
Just wait until we get home.

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
You are going to get it when you get home!

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get
stuck that way.

19. My mother taught me ESP.
Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running
to me.

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
You’re just like your father.

23. My mother taught me WISDOM.
When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.

24. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
One day! you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just
like you (best birth control method I could ever have).

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Idealism is what precedes experience; cynicism is what follows.

David T. Wolf

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The discipline of desire is the background of character.

John Locke

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A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house, I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90; the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.”

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Macro traders who bet against Ben Bernanke’s tough talk the other week will have begun to make money. Fed fund futures are now discounting only 50bp of tightening in 2008 compared with 75bp after Billyboy opened his mouth to try and talk down oil and stabilize the dollar.

Still there is probably more money to be made on this trade. GREED & fear continues to believe that the Fed will not raise interest rates at all in 2008. This view is partly based on an empirical observation of Bernanke’s behaviour as Fed chairman thus far. He starts to pose as the guardian of anti inflationary resolve when stock markets rally, just as they did in November-December last year and then again in March-May this year. These rallies, led as they are by the financial stocks, naturally breed hopes that the “credit crisis is over” and Billyboy, being human, wants to believe them too. But as the diligent student of the Great Depression that he undoubtedly is, he turns nervous again when the equity market action turns decisively negative. And the action in the various US financial indices can only be considered very negative in the deflationary sense. Clearly, the last thing US financial stocks need in this context is higher short term interest rates.

Let’s hope the markets start to recover soon!

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A big time negotiator was out fishing one day when he caught a strange looking fish. He reeled the fish in, unhooked it and threw it on the ground next to him. The fish started writhing in agony and, to the negotiator’s surprise, said, “Please throw me back into the lake and I’ll grant you three wishes.”

“Any three wishes, huh?” the negotiator mused as visions of expensive fast cars and equally expensive and even faster women paraded through his head. “Fish,” he finally exclaimed, ever the negotiator, “give me five wishes and I’ll throw you back.”

“Sorry,” the fish answered while struggling for breath, “only three wishes.”

The negotiator’s pride was at stake and after giving the matter some thought he announced, “What do you take me for? A sucker? I’ll settle for four wishes.”

“Only three,” the fish murmured weakly.

Fuming, the man debated the pros and cons of accepting the three wishes or continuing to bargain for that one extra wish. Finally, the negotiator decided it wasn’t worth looking a gift fish in the mouth and said, “All right fish, you win, three wishes.”

Unfortunately, like negotiators often do, he had taken too long … the fish was dead.

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