I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward.

Thomas A. Edison

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Maybe we can bundle up all the insurance policies and sell ‘em
as securities….

Call them “Security Health Insurance Trusts,” or SHIT.

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

There was once a women who had a very disloyal husband. He always beat her, was never good in bed, and then he ran away from her.

So, she put an ad in the paper saying, “If you are a loyal man, that does not beat his wife, does not run away from his wife, and is good in bed, please contact me.” And she put her address.

A couple of months pass, and she almost gave up hope. The next day, she hears the door bell ring. She answers the door, and she sees a man with no legs and no arms.

He says, “I have no arms, so I can’t beat you, I have no legs, so I can’t run away from you.” Then she says, “But are you good in bed.”

So he says with a big smile on his face, “How do you think I rang the doorbell?”

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Many a man’s reputation would not know his character if they met on the
street.

Elbert Hubbard

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

According to the U.S. Census Bureau:

190,374 people are screwing right now,

212,130 are kissing.

11,238 are getting oral sex,

1 poor bastard is reading emails.

You hang in there!!!

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. “It’s for my
husband,” she tells the clerk.

“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asks the clerk.

And she says, “Are you kidding? He doesn’t even know yet that I’m
going to shoot him!”

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

On September 25, 1929, Ronnie Barker was born in Bedford, Bedfordshire,
England. Even though he is not especially well-known in America, he was one
of England’s most popular comedic talents, best known for “The Two Ronnies,”
a popular 1970s and 80s British television comedy show that he did with
fellow funnyman Ronnie Corbett. He also showed talent as a character actor,
appearing in a number of episodes of “The Avengers” and “The Saint,” and
more recently as Winston Churchill’s butler in the 2002 BBC drama “The
Gathering Storm.” A true lover of the English language, he was most
impressive when he engaged in playful and creative wordplay:

“The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning
is that it can only mean one thing.”

“The toilets at a local police station have been stolen.
Police say they have nothing to go on.”

“The man who invented the zip fastener
was today honored with a lifetime peerage.
He’ll now be known as the Lord of the Flies.”

“We’ll continue our investigation into the political beliefs of nudists.
We’ve already noticed a definite swing to the left.”

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they’d be able to give their patients a
lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have
to be really, really behind on payments.

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Letters to a Pastor

**Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister.
Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

**Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a
sermon about something. Robert, age 11, Anderson

**Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at
church every Thursday, even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette.
Age 9, Albany

**Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my
brother won’t be there. Chrissy. Age 8, Chicago

**Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if
you had free donuts. Lorreen Age 9. Tacoma

**Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need
God’s help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

**Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was
finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its
glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not
use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

Dave Barry

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!