Little Pauly was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went
to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her
along.
“I’ll never do that again!” he told his mother that evening. “I didn’t
catch a thing!”
“Oh, next time I’m sure she’ll be quiet and not scare the fish away,”
his mother said.
Pauly: “It wasn’t that. She didn’t scare the fish. She ate all the
bait!”
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A drunk wanders into the lounge of a hotel where an insurance convention is being held, intent on causing trouble. He yells, “I think all insurance agents are crooks, and if anyone doesn’t like it, come up and do something about it.
“Immediately, a man runs up to the drunk and says, “You take that back!
“The drunk sneers and replies, “Why, are you an agent?”
“No,” the man replies, “I’m a crook.”
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“Vernon, where’s your homework?” Miss Martin said sternly to the
little boy while holding out her hand.
“My dog ate it,” was his solemn response.
“Vernon, I’ve been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect
me to believe that?”
“It’s true, Miss Martin, I swear,” insisted the boy. “I had to force
him, but he ate it!”
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Nathan, an out-of-work young man, is walking near Beth Israel
Hospital in Manhattan when he sees a notice in the window of a
local shop. The notice says: -
Wanted — an assistant for well known gynecologist
$28,000 a year, details available from Minky’s Clinic
This interests Nathan, so he goes immediately to Minky’s Clinic,
walks over to one of the receptionists, and quietly says, “Shalom.
I am very interested in the position advertised for a gynecologist’s
assistant. Can you tell me what this assistant would have to do?”
“Well,” replies the receptionist, “the role is quite a straight forward
one. You just need to get the women ready for an examination by
the gynecologist.”
“So what does that entail?” asks Nathan.
“For each lady,” replies the receptionist, “you first of all have to
help her undress and get her out of her underwear. Then you have
to lay her down gently on the bed and thoroughly wash her, … to
put it bluntly, her private region. You must then apply some shaving
foam, gently shave off her pubic hair, and finish by massaging in some
soothing aromatic lavender oil. When you’ve done that, she is ready
for the gynecologist to examine.”
“How do I apply?” asks Nathan.
“You need to go to the other end of the island for that,” replies the
receptionist.
“But that’s miles away,” says Nathan. “Why do I have to go there? Is
that where the job is based?”
“No,” replies the receptionist. “That’s where the end of the line of
applicants is.”
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Q: Where can men over the age of 50 find younger, sexy women who are
interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore……… under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the
basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is
that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: ‘And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt..’
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
Q: What can I do for these crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term
memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 50+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
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A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in
London. The waiter says, “Excuse me, but if you wanted the
steak you might not get one as there is a shortage.”
The Texan said, “What’s a shortage?”
The Russian said, “What’s a steak?”
The New Yorker said, “What’s excuse me?”
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* Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise
includes the phrase “Free Ammo.”
* There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if
you have experience in jungle warfare.
* Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars.
* Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms.
* In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suitcase
of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami.
* Consider very carefully visiting a country where the license plate
motto is “Die American Imperialist.”
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A Marine and a Sailor were sitting in a bar one day, arguing over which was
the Superior Service.
After a swig of beer the Marine says, “Well we had Iwo Jima”.
Arching his eyebrows the sailor replies “”We had the Battle of Midway”.
“Not entirely true” responded the Marine. “Some of those pilots were
Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine
Pilot killed in the Battle of Midway”.
The sailor responds, “Point Taken”.
The Marine then says, “We were born at Tunn Tavern!”.
The sailor nodding agreement, says “But we had John Paul Jones”.
The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will
end the discussion. With a flourish of finality, he says “The Navy Invented
Sex!”.
The Marine replies, “That is true, but it was a Marine who introduced it to
women”.
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One afternoon at the bank, in a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, “Just what the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“Well,” said the guy. “You see, I’m a Chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I just had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can’t help practicing my art.”
“That’s the stupidest thing I have ever heard!” the guy replied. “I’m a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?”
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Maury returned from a fancy private hospital and was telling his friend
Pauly all about his experience.
Maury: “The hospital I was in was very specialized.”
Pauly: “How so?”
Maury: “They had a food nurse who gave you food. They had a drug nurse
who gave you drugs. They had a coffee nurse who gave you coffee.”
Pauly: “I see. Did they have a Head Nurse?”
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