* This will be a short meeting

* You can put it together yourself in five minutes

* One slice of pizza won’t blow my diet

* You’ll housebreak him in no time at all

* They’ll feel terrific once you break them in

* We’ve been in business for 30 years, we’re not going anywhere

* When it says “empty,” there’s always a gallon or two left

* If you knew anything at all, you wouldn’t be a Traffic Cop

* You can make it — that truck isn’t coming all that fast

* Of course, bring the kids

* That’s not poison oak

* I don’t burn, I tan

* Take off your clothes, the doctor will be right with you

* Your table will be ready in 5 minutes

* Of course they’re mushrooms, toadstools come to a point

* No trouble at all, don’t give it a second thought

* We service what we sell

* Believe me, nobody’s dressing up

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Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them,
and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best sex in
town!”

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off
and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes
back, points at the same guy, and says, “I just did your mom, and it was
sw-e-et!”

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far
end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mom
liked it!”

Finally the guy interrupts, “Go home, Dad, you’re drunk!”

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On their honeymoon the new husband told his bride, “I have a
confession that should have made before, but I was concerned that it
might affect our relationship.”

“What is it?” she asked.

“I’m a golfer,” he said.

“What’s the big deal about that?” she asked.

He replied, “When I say I’m a golfer, I mean that I’ll be on the
course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday afternoon, and any holidays. If it
comes to a choice between your wishes and golf — golf wins.”

She pondered a moment and said, “I thank you for your honesty. In the
same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I’ve concealed
something about my own past that you should know about. I’m a hooker.”

“No problem,” was his response, “just widen your stance a little and
overlap your grip and that should give you straight shots.”

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Last year I entered the New York City Marathon. The race started
and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of
me. He said, “Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?”

I replied: “You really want to know?”

Then I dropped out of the race.

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An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the
last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the
latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed
with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain
rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the
bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to
get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a
tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the
sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter),
and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, ‘What the
heck is going on here?’

The drunk, still staring down replied: ‘I think I just beat the shit
out of a ghost.’

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A middle class gentleman decided one week before Halloween to have
a party on Halloween night. The theme of the party was that you
must have a costume that represents an emotion.

The word spread quickly, and since anybody was welcome, it was sure to be a big party.

On the night of the party, the house was filled with people, a brown costume for the shitty mood, a multicoloured costume for premenstrual syndrome, and many others both interesting as well
as funny.

The man continuously received knocks on the door, and always let the person in, regardless of their taste in costume. Once again, a knock rapped on his door, and he opened it. A beautiful woman stepped in, wearing a red dress with ruffled sleeves. “You look beautiful tonight miss, what is your emotion?,” the man asked.

“I’m red with anger,” said the woman.

The man smiled and let her in to join the others in the party.  Five minutes later another knock on the door came, and he opened it, to have another beautiful woman in a green dress step in. “What are you supposed to be, my pretty?,” the man asked.

“I’m green,…green with envy,” said the woman.

“Quite clever!” said the man.  He stepped aside to allow her to enter.

Two minutes later, another tapping on the door came. He opened it, and in front of him stood a 6′6″, naked, smelly, hairy man. On the end of his erected penis stood a pear.

“I hears you got yourself a party,” said the stranger.

“That is correct,” said the man, trying to keep his cool. “What are you supposed to be?”

“The naked stranger looked down on the man and, in a booming voice, replied, “I’m fucking dispair!”

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A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the
Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the
urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, “I’m going to check your prostate today, but
this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably
used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then
while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, ‘99.’”

The guy obeys and says, 99! The doctor says, “Great.  Now turn over on
your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath
and say, ‘99.’”

Again, the guy says, “99.”

The doctor said, “Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back
with your knees raised slightly. I’m going to check your prostate with
this hand, and with the other hand I’m going to hold on to your penis
to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99.”

The guy begins, “One .. Two … Three…  “

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Q. Why did the baby ghost go to the doctor before halloween?
A. To get a BOOster shot.

Q. What kind of ghost haunts a hen house?
A. A poultry-geist.

Q. Why do ghosts go to baseball games?
A. Because they like to boo the umpire.

Q. What do you say to a ghost with three heads?
A. Hello, hello, hello.

Q. What did the baby ghost eat for dinner?
A. A boo-loney sandwich.

Q. What tops off a ghost’s sundae?
A. Whipped Scream

Q. Where do little ghosts learn to yell “BOO!”?
A. In noisery school.

Q. What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A. A dead end.

Q. How do ghosts fly from one place to another?
A. By scareplane.

Q. What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost?
A. Fasten your sheet belt.

Q. What happens when a ghost gets lost in a fog?
A. He’s mist

Q. Where does a ghost refuel his porche?
A. At the ghastly station

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A young man was taking a verbal test to join the local police force.
The question asked was, “If you were driving a police car, alone on a
lonely road at night, and saw a gang of criminals speeding away from
a robbery, driving sixty miles an hour, what would you do?”

Without a second’s hesitation the young man answered, “Seventy!”

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Before:  You take my breath away
After:   I feel like I’m suffocating

Before:  Twice a night
After:   Twice a month

Before:  She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
After:   She called me a controling, manipulative, egomaniac

Before:  Saturday night fever
After:   Monday night football

Before:  He makes me feel like a millon dollars
After:   If I had a dime for every stupid thing he’s done…

Before:  Is that all your having?
After:   Maybe you should have just a salad, honey

Before:  Its like I’m living in a dream
After:   Its like he lives in a dorm

Before:  $60/doz.
After:   $1.50/stem

Before:  We agree on everything
After:   Doesn’t she have a mind of her own?

Before:  Victoria secret
After:   Fruit of the loom

Before:  Feathers and handcuffs
After:   Ball and chain

Before:  I love a woman with curves
After:   I never said you were fat

Before:  He’s completely lost without me
After:   Why won’t he ever ask for directions?

Before:  Time stood still
After:   This relationship is going nowhere

Before:  Croissant and cappuccino
After:   Bagel and instant coffee

Before:  Blind
After:   Nearsighted

Before:  You look so seductive in black
After:   Your clothes are so depressing

Before:  I can hardly believe we found each other
After:   I can’t believe I ended up with someone like you

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