My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong
currant.
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
“Doctor,doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you
can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.
A man walks into a pub, and notices Vincent Van Gogh is standing at the
bar. “Do you want a pint, Vince?” he asks. “No, thanks,” replies the
artist. “I’ve got one ‘ere.”
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
I went to a seafood disco last week…. and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and
heat it.
A man walks into doctor’s office. “What seems to be the problem?” asks the
doc. “It’s… um… well… I have five penises.” replies the man. “Blimey!”
says the doctor, “How do your trousers fit?” “Like a glove.”
A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks. The barman
says “I’m not serving you two!” “Why?” asked the brain.
The barman replies, “Because you are out of your skull and he is bound to
start something.”
What do you get if you cross a pitbull terrier with a labrador puppy? A dog
that makes you crap yourself and then runs away with the toilet paper.
What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.
Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?
He choked on his own vimto.
A woman arrives at a bank with a fifty pound note stuck in each ear, and
asks to see the manager. The cashier steps through to the managers office:
“There’s a woman to see you, she’s £100 in arrears.”
Hear about the cannibal in an Indian restaurant?
He ate his Nan.
Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was stolen.
Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
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