Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter
around her feet as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired
to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, “Charles darling, please
remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!”

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigor, but
it would not budge. “Harder!” yelled Camilla, “Harder!” Charles yelled back,
“I’m trying, my darling! But it’s just so blooming tight!”

“Come on, my prince! Give it all you’ve got!” she cried.

Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla
exclaimed, “Aaahh! Oh, God, that feels sooo good!”

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, “See? I told
you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!”

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, “Oh, bloody
hell, darling! This one’s even tighter!”

To which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, “That’s my boy: once a Navy man,
always a Navy man!”

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Don’t ever pay a surprise visit to your child in uni. You might
be the one getting the surprise. I learned this the hard way when
I swung by my son’s campus during a business trip.

Locating what I thought was his fraternity house, I rang the
doorbell.

“Yeah?” a voice called from inside.

“Does Bob Smith live here?” I asked.

“Yup,” the voice answered. “Just leave him on the front porch.
We’ll drag him in later.”

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A guy goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a fully

equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling

array of the finest Cuban cigars.

Then the priest comes in.

“Father, forgive me, for it’s been a long time since I’ve been to

confession, but I must first say that the confessional box is much

more inviting these days.”

The priest replies, “Get out! You’re on my side!!!”

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A seasoned old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up
to a pub in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old gentleman walks up to the bar and calls out to the very sexy female bartender who is serving drinks and bending down to show her ample bosoms to a couple of leering admirers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old biker.

“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, “how may I help you today?”

The old biker leans over the bar, “I was wondering young lady,” he
whispers, “are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs “Why yes, yes,
I sure am”.

The old biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly,
“Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger”.

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Man:   “Haven’t we met before?”

Woman: “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.”

Man:   “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?

Woman: “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”

Man:    “Is this seat empty?”

Woman: “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”

Man:   “Your place or mine?”

Woman: “Both.  You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”

Man:   “I’d like to call you.  What’s your number?”

Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”

Man:   “But I don’t know your name!!”

Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”

Man:    “So what do you do for a living?”

Woman:  “I’m a female impersonator.”

Man:   “What sign were you born under?”

Woman: “No Parking.”

Man:   “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”

Woman: “Do not Enter”

Man:   “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”

Woman: “Unfertilized !”

Man:   “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”

Woman: “Yeah!  Let’s pick up some chicks!”

Man:   “I’m here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.”

Woman: “You mean you’ve got both a donkey and a Great Dane?”

Man:   “I know how to please a woman.”

Woman: “Then please leave me alone.”

Man:   “I want to give myself to you.”

Woman: “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”

Man:   “I can tell that you want me.”

Woman: “Ohhhh.  You’re so right.  I want you to leave.”

Man:   “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy”

Woman: “Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.”

Man:   “Your body is like a temple.”

Woman: “Sorry, there are no services today.”

Man:   “I’d go through anything for you.”

Woman: “Good!  Let’s start with your bank account.”

Man:   “I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: “Yes, but would you stay there?”

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Three men were sitting together discussing about how they had
given their new wives her duties.

The first man had married a woman from Colorado and had told her
that she was going to do dishes and housecleaning. It took a
couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house
and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Nebraska. He had given his
wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the
cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day
he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean,
the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Central New York. He told
her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,
lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every
meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day
he didn’t see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling
had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough
to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

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Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup. “I think some-
thing is wrong with your back,” the doctor says.

“What makes you say that?” asks Quasimodo.

“Oh,” replies the doctor… “just a hunch.”

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Thank you for calling the Insurance Hotline.

We are here to assist you in checking whether your insurance
coverage will pay for your hospital bills / medical bills

Press 1 to be ignored;
Press 2 to be confused;
Press 3 to hear Milli Vanilli’s greatest hits;
Press 4 to repeat this menu….

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A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby. “Look at the
size of his pecker,” says the man. “It’s massive!”

“Yes dear,” says the wife. “But at least he’s got your ears.”

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A man takes his seat in the cinema, but he is too far from the screen.

He whispers to the usher, “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery
close up.  Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip.”

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man rewards him with a a 20cts coin.

The usher looks at his tip for a second and then leans over to whisper to
the man, “The wife did it.”

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