It was the first camping experience for Little Pauly. As soon as he
helped hid dad pitch the tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In
about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and
disheveled.
“What happened?” asked his father
“I was chased by a raccoon!” cried Pauly
“A raccoon isn’t harmful.” Said his father.
“Listen,” cried Pauly, “If he can make you jump off a thirty-foot
cliff, he is!”
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A group of cowboys were out on the range branding some cattle.
While they were away the new cook saw a sheep tied to a post.
Thinking it was for that night’s dinner he slaughtered the sheep, and
cooked it.
That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the
cook.
He pulled one aside and asked, …”Did I screw up the cooking?”
“No”, the cowboy replied, “You cooked up the screwing.”
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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong
currant.
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
“Doctor,doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you
can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.
A man walks into a pub, and notices Vincent Van Gogh is standing at the
bar. “Do you want a pint, Vince?” he asks. “No, thanks,” replies the
artist. “I’ve got one ‘ere.”
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
I went to a seafood disco last week…. and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and
heat it.
A man walks into doctor’s office. “What seems to be the problem?” asks the
doc. “It’s… um… well… I have five penises.” replies the man. “Blimey!”
says the doctor, “How do your trousers fit?” “Like a glove.”
A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks. The barman
says “I’m not serving you two!” “Why?” asked the brain.
The barman replies, “Because you are out of your skull and he is bound to
start something.”
What do you get if you cross a pitbull terrier with a labrador puppy? A dog
that makes you crap yourself and then runs away with the toilet paper.
What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.
Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?
He choked on his own vimto.
A woman arrives at a bank with a fifty pound note stuck in each ear, and
asks to see the manager. The cashier steps through to the managers office:
“There’s a woman to see you, she’s £100 in arrears.”
Hear about the cannibal in an Indian restaurant?
He ate his Nan.
Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was stolen.
Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
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couldn’t help overhearing a man at a nearby pay phone. “I know it’s
something you want,” he said earnestly, “but I don’t think tattoos are
a good idea. And the same goes for body piercing. As long as you’re
living in my house, I think you should respect my wishes.”
I was secretly cheering him on for his fatherly firmness.
Then came the ‘coup de grace’: “Besides, Mom, you’re 85 years old! You
don’t NEED a tattoo!”
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Schneider applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no
experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough
account with the promise that if he collected it, he’d get the
job.
Two hours later, Schneider came back with the entire amount.
“Amazing!” the manager said. “How did you do it?”
“Easy,” Schneider replied. “I told him if he didn’t pay up, I’d
tell all his other creditors he paid us.”
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A half-dressed redneck couple were sitting on couch watching the
evening news on TV, as the man sits there with his arm around the
woman.
The man says, “Lookit them homo-sekshuls a ruining the sanctity
of our institution. We oughta go to San Francisco just to show
them liberals that marriage means one man, one woman. Ain’t that
right, darling’?”
The woman replies, “Sure is, Daddy!”
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Pauly is going on his first overseas trip. In the passport office, the
government official sees that he is visibly puzzled filling his
passport application.
The passport official looks over her shoulder and sees that Pauly is
trying to write ‘yes, please’ into the small space labeled ‘SEX’.
The official explains: “No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this
question. We are asking ‘Male’ or ‘Female’.”
After some deliberation, Pauly says: “I think I prefer females.”
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Mrs. O’Malley arrived in Boston from Ireland, and in no time at all her
bean soup made her the talk of New England society. At a party celebrating
the sale of her recipe to a fancy Charles Street restaurant, an old matron
approached Mrs. O’Malley and said, “My dear girl, what is the secret of your
soup?”
Mrs. O’Malley said, “The secret o’ me soup is that I use but two-hundred
thirty-nine beans to make it.”
The woman said, “Why only two-hundred thirty-nine?”
Mrs. O’Malley said, “Because one more would make it too farty.”
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A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a
regular basis.
After the second week, he made his move.
“No thank you,” she said politely.”
“This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself
pure until I meet the man I love.”
“That must be rather difficult,” the man replied.
“Oh, I don’t mind too much,” she said. “But, it has my husband pretty
upset.”
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Grandma had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she
didn’t take it kindly when she ended up in the hospital for
observation after fainting (resulting in a bad fall).
By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed,
she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature,
the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially,
the mattress.
Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button,
attached to a cord. “What’s that?” she demanded.
“If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma,” said
one of the interns, “just press that button.”
“What does it do, ring a bell?” she asked.
“No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty,” the
intern replied.
“A light in the hall?” responded Grandma. “Look, I’m the sick one
around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she
can get up and switch it on herself!”
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