Dear Diary,

I just read a recent study which found that 38.3% of men have been
injured while undoing a woman’s bra. That’s correct. While unfastening
a woman’s stabilizing device, men have received strained tendons,
scratches, and other similar injuries.

Actually, I can vouch for that. I got injured today while trying to
undo a woman’s bra. When I undid the woman in front of me in the
supermarket’s checkout line, she turned and hit me on the head with a
can of peas.

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1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table…
in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending
on how much gas is in it.

3. You’ve been married 3 or more times and still have the same
in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different
night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, “Hey, y’all,
watch this.”

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are
“Gentlemen, start your engines.”

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded…
right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your
spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie
at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a
law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

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A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz
Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the
acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, “Is this magnificent
auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?”

“No,” replied the guide. “It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.”

“Never heard of him. What did he write?”

“A cheque,” replied the guide.

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An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without
finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel
dies of thirst. He’s crawling through the sands, certain
that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees
a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead
of him. He crawls to the object, pulls is out of the sand,
and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It
appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle,
so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie. But this is no
ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Chasidic rabbi,
complete with black kapota coat, black hat, side curls, etc.
“Well, kid,” says the genie. “You know how it works. You have
three wishes.”

“I’m not going to trust you,” says the Arab. “I’m not going to
trust a Jewish genie!”

“What do you have to lose? It looks like you’re a goner anyway!”
The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the
genie is right. “OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with
plentiful food and drink.”

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever
seen. He is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of
delicacies.

“OK, kid, what’s your second wish.”

“My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.”

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled
with rare gold coins and precious gems. “OK, kid, you have
just one more wish. Better make it a good one!” After
thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: “I wish I were
white and surrounded by beautiful women.”

***POOF***

The Arab is turned into a Tampax.

The moral of the story is: If you do business with a Jewish
genie, there’s going to be a string attached

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I was driving to work the other day when I hit a pig. I was just
gonna drive away when I thought better of it and called the police
to tell them.

The dispatcher said, “Thanks for calling us, but don’t you go
anywhere. It’s illegal to hit livestock in this state. That’s
a $300 fine.”

So I hung up, got in the car, and drove off. When I got to work
there was a cop waiting for me. He gave me a ticket for $300.

When I asked him how he found me he said, “The pig squealed.”

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Little Pauly was so happy to see his grandmother that he ran up and
gave her a big hug.

“I’m so happy to see you, grandma. Now daddy will have to do that
trick he’s been promising to do!”

His grandmother was curious. “What trick is that, sweetie?”

Little Pauly: “I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls
if you came to visit us again!”

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Tim, Pauly, and Maury were all locked away (surely, by some tragic
mistake) in a mental institution.

One day, the doctor tells them that if they pass a test he wanted to
administer to them, they’d be deemed mentally competent and free to
leave the nut house. Should they fail, however, they’d be locked away
for another five years of observation.

All three took the doc up on his offer. The four of them went to the
hospital’s indoor pool. The pool was drained of water. The doctor leads
the patients up to the diving platform.

The doctor motions to Maury. “Jump.”

Without hesitation, Maury leaps off the platform, right into the pool,
breaking both arms in the process.

The doctor notes this on his clipboard and tells Pauly “Jump.”

Also without hesitation, Pauly flies off the platform into the empty
poll, breaking both of his legs.

After noting the results on his clipboard, the doctor tells Tim,
“Jump.”

Tim shakes his head. “Naw. I don’t think so.”

The doctor notes this on his clipboard rather enthusiastically and
says, “Congratulations, Perfesser. You’re a free man. Just tell me one
thing. Why didn’t you jump?”

Tim: “I can’t swim.”

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Paddy, suffering from a severe toothache, finally got
up enough nerve to visit his dentist, but lost it again
when he was about to get into the chair. The dentist
told his assistant to give Paddy a shot of whiskey kept
on hand for just such circumstances as this. “Ye got
your courage back now?” the dentist asked.

“No!” replied Paddy.

So a second shot was brought, then a third. “Now
have ye got your courage?” asked the dentist.

“You’re damn right!” Paddy said, squaring his shoulders.
“I’d like to see the SOB who’d dare to touch me teeth
now!”

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Two men are sitting in a bar drinking. As they are sitting there
drinking away, one man turns to the other and says, “I have got to get
out of here! Need to go home and tear my wife’s panties off!”

The other man looks at him with confusion and replies, “Well, what in
the world just made you think of that?”

“Because,” replies the guy, “they are too damn tight and they are
cutting off my circulation!”

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It was the first camping experience for Little Pauly. As soon as he
helped hid dad pitch the tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In
about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and
disheveled.

“What happened?” asked his father

“I was chased by a raccoon!” cried Pauly

“A raccoon isn’t harmful.” Said his father.

“Listen,” cried Pauly, “If he can make you jump off a thirty-foot
cliff, he is!”

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